Log in

No account? Create an account

Thick with anxiety

So, David has reached his breaking point with his girlfriend. Apparently she belittles him constantly, calls him "fucking idiot" when he doesn't get something done when she thinks it should be, that sort of thing. He told me he's going to break up with her tomorrow. While he's doing that (in a restaurant where he knows everyone), Eli is going to be taking her stuff to her father's house. While I am sad to see it happen, and watch David have the anxiety about doing it that he is, there is no reason he should have to live with that sort of treatment. To have it end 10 years from now with children and divorce and all, that's worse. I am sad for her, as she has no idea what's about to happen and dropping a bomb on her is going to hurt. But, he will feel much better about it afterward and not having to live constantly with "what's she going to call me next" will be a release. He is looking at getting a co-op job this summer with Westinghouse, that will have him in NC. If that doesn't happen, he can go back to his job with Milliken and they will have him cheerfully. He can live with me as long as he's in school (of course, the 3 months of Summer if he's with Milliken, because there's no point in moving out for three months, but I'll charge rent)
I expect her to blow up and demand payback for the stuff she spent on him, and I am going to suggest that is a good idea, but she'll need to deduct the $450/mo/9mos rent, $250/mo groceries, and $15/day car rental since my car was used to get her to and from work. Also, she said she'd clean my house weekly in exchange for rent and that didn't happen AT ALL.3 times she swept the floors. In the whole 9 months. So. There's that. I don't expect it to go smoothly and with no shouting, but that's why he wants to do it publicly in a place where everyone knows him and will have his back. He and I are going to Alabama the next day, as he will need to get away for a bit. Eli will stay here and he'll be safe, as he is armed. Not that I think anything will happen but I'm going to give him the neighbor's phone number anyway. I don't know if she's capable of going full on bat-shit crazy, but still.
I can't put this Out There, because...I can't. But, I'm angry as hell at Terry for eating himself to death and putting me where I have to do math. There. i said it. I tried so hard to cook right, fix him good lunches and nutritcious (I can never spell that) meals and he wasn't satisfied and had to fill in the theoretical blanks with Taco Bell and Red Barn fried catfish. He ate the breakfasts I made, then stopped and got a sausage biscuit (or three) on the way to work. He would get mad because I didn't keep ice cream in the freezer, so I started doing it, thinking that if it was always there he'd eat less of it, like a little each night but no. He'd scoop himself up a pint full every. single. night so I quit keeping it and he got mad about that too. How horrible and controlling of me to want to see that he ate well and lived until he was 80. It really was an issue, my controlling his food. He didn't like it. So we see what happened there. and here I am, left a widow, without the companion I chose for my lifetime, because he preferred ice cream.

I'm going to bed and read Steven King's Needful Things. Because it's Friday and I'm full of a gin and tonic and my husband has been dead for 2 years.
I'm done with Excel, there's no exam. At 4 today (it's currently nearing 3) I have an Office procedures exam. I'm not worried, as I barely cracked open the book and have a 95 in the class. Tomorrow at 10am is the Leadership class. As long as there aren't a lot of questions about the names of assorted studies I'll be fine. I could not show up for the exam at all and still come out with an 81 in the class. I'll show up though. I'm trying to see just how high of a grade I can make in there. Thursday at 1 is the Math. Factoring. Yikes. I'll print out the study guide and answers at the school today. My printer is out of ink and as long as it's school related stuff I can print out whatever there.
What I really want is a nap. However, what will happen is the exam, come home, start on supper, but I'm definitely going to bed early tonight. I have been foggy all day long.

When exams are over, I think maybe we'll get the Christmas decorations up. Next weekend (not the upcoming one) I'm going to Auburn to paint the walls of the new house. A friend and her husband have said they'd come too, but I'm not holding them to that. I'd love it if they did but...not holding them to it. It would send Mom into a swivet because I didn't let her know of it 5 months in advance.
Good news! Chandler the Electrician changed out the breaker and now the stove works like a charm!

Bad News! In between his diagnoses, and coming to fix it the next day, the water heater died! Since I was going to Home Depot anyway (in Pooler, about a 40 minute drive) to order toilets for the New House ( online wasn't working. I could order but had to go to a store to pay), I got a fixit set (thermostats and heating elements) for the water heater (after consultation with dad). Not expensive=$27. I forgot to get the weird size socket for removing the old elements tho. I called Chandler and he said he could change all that out no problem, and would look for the socket at Lowes when he was getting the new breaker. He got the thermostats changed, but couldn't find the socket. So, there's power to the heater, but still no hot water. Elemental, my dear! David's going to run back down to Pooler, and look for the $2 socket thing. The Home Depot and Lowes are about 500 yards apart. Changing the elements is super simple (I googled and youtubed it), you just unscrew the old ones, pull them out, and screw in the new ones.

More bad news! The microwave oven died! They say bad things happen in 3's, and that's 3 things. David wants to take it apart and build a Tesla Death Ray.

Last night I was feeling irritated, discouraged, and sorry for myself. While sadly cleaning the cornbread pan after dinner (at least the stove works now!), Amanda looked over and said "Why don't you go take a nice hot bath?" I stared at her for 2 seconds and she shouted (remember she's from Long Island) "OH FUCK ME!" and I started giggling. That fixed the sads and I felt better. She, however, felt like a bloomin' idiot and apologized for the next 30 minutes, for both the bath comment and the profanity.

I went to bed counting my blessings: God loves me, a warm house, a great family, Amanda has a job and starts Monday, I'm healthy, Will's doing great, Eli has his job back, so many, many things. Having no hot water is a very, very minor inconvenience, and having no microwave ain't any thang at all. (plus there's a spare one that was in Terry's Mancave)

I've been told that perhaps the house has learned of the new house, and is jealous.

Good things

I was able to find good insurance coverage with a private (non-Obamacare) company, that costs about half what Obamacare was going to charge once the rate hike happens in January. *whew!* Even when Eli gets added in April (he loses Medicaid March 31) it will be less than the one-person premium I would have to pay.

I indulged in a little retail therapy today in Savannah. I bought a 1/2 yard of fabric with which to make Eli both a cravat and a bowtie to wear with his new suit. Plans have been made with a photographer friend to take a day in November and have his Senior Pictures done. He has several ideas, most of which involve a longsword. At least he isn't exploding something. Probably only because I don't think he's considered it yet.

I also went into GoodWill and found a beautiful powder pink cashmere sweater and a camisole embroidered with pink things that I can wear under it, because wearing a shirt with sleeves under such a thing will be too hot for around here. I intended to look for Eli some flannel shirts but they didn't have any.

Han Me market was visited, and I stocked up on curry pastes and sticky rice, also bhan me noodles, sesame oil, and....um...something else.

Then to Lucky's Market- a wonderfully less expensive version of Whole Foods, and I got some much desired Fall vegetables, to be roasted once the oven is fixed. Fortunately they all keep really well and won't spoil until January, if it takes that long.

David's girlfriend Amanda had a 2:30 job interview. i haven't heard how that went. Will's former girlfriend Andrea is now in San Francisco, living with a man she found more interesting than Will. We are all relieved because Will was feeling very taken advantage of but is too gentle to give her the boot. He wanted her to go for several months but she had no other place to go (parents wouldn't have her) and he didn't want to feel responsible for putting someone on the street.

I have to interview a Leader for my leadership class. He slid into the description of the project a half sentence about interviewing someone who's dead, though he implied heavily he'd prefer someone who's alive. I'm doing Eisenhower because the only people I can think of to interview and SUPER busy. Plus introversion. There is information a-plenty, including autobiographical stuff and interviews, from which I can glean answers to questions. And no. I'm not going to cheat and just copy an existing interview because I know better and I want this instructor as a reference for a grant request. I'm going to make this the best interview he's ever read.

Amanda's back and thinks the interview went well. There's one other person to interview yet but he didn't show up due to "getting stuck in traffic" but in Reidsville? The only sort of traffic involves getting stuck behind a peanut combine.

Wow, that was brazen

I'm reading through the posts on my American Lit discussion board. It's strictly online so the board is how assignments are turned in and part of that is commenting on other student's threads. So I'm reading one and it is an exact cut-and-past of what I posted several days earlier. Not even reworded, just cut-and-paste. I am not angry, but rather amused at the chutzpah because the instructor isn't stupid. And, since the posts are dated it is obvious mine was posted first. this is one of the reasons I get the assignments done quickly and turned in as early as I can. Also, I turned in the final project and realized too late I'd forgotten the bibliography...which is SUPER important. I mean, I HAVE the bibliography, I just forgot to put it in the final panel (it's a power point). So, I sent it to the instructor with fervent pleas for mercy and and stuff. Since it's on Flannery O'Connor, and our final reading was Good Country People, I am kind of hoping he'll take pity and be gentle. I think he will because frankly, I've done a kick ass job in the class (have a 3.8 in it) and we have had some good conversations.
you know, it's time for the kids to be inconvenienced by ME, for a change. And I don't even feel bad about it. At all.
I let Eli stay home from school yesterday, on the condition that he caught up his missing assignments from English. He gets to stay home today as well, we are going to Savannah. Because we want to. (My English instructor would scowl at those last sentences. Too bad, I'm not doing this for a grade.)
CJ called this morning, and I panicked. He never calls in the morning. He said it was because he hadn't called in a few days, due to his phone being broken from sitting on it while riding his motor cycle. We cried together for a few minutes, then he filled me in on the news from there. Things are a little tense between him and Sidney, but not anything they can't work out.
I haven't heard from Will or David yesterday or today (yet). Apparently (according to Eli), David has a girlfriend. I hope he doesn't scare her off. he can be kind of intense and having a girlfriend is a brand new experience for him. Pray that they will be mature about this. Will did call, so I take back the not hearing from him part. He is doing ok, but thinks he won't get the library job as it is taking him longer to do the certification studies than he thought it would. I said maybe they would hire someone else, who wouldn't work out then the position would be back open. He said yeah, but I think that is an excuse to not study. He is getting plenty of hours at the theater now, and is making excuses again. Same song, 27th verse. Oh well, I love him, and it's his life.
Right now, my heart hurts, and is heavy, and it's just a thing we have to plow through. So plow we are. Heave ho.
School is going well, we are in a chapter about HR and I am really fascinated by it. The instructor thinks my personality would work well in HR and wants to discuss the possibilities with me later. There will an entire semester on HR later on, which he also teaches. I remember a few years ago talking over work ideas with Terry, and he also thought I would do HR well. So hm. Only, I am not sure I want a full time job. On the other hand, it's kind of a Mon-Fri-8-5 sort of thing. So maybe.
It is strange and interesting, the doors that are opening up around me. Close one huge door and 47 smaller ones crack open for me to peek through. I did a job search in the Auburn Opelika area, and there are several HR type available, including Auburn University, which would mean amazing benefits and no kick out the door at 65, I could work for 20 years and get retirement benefits. Wouldn't that be interesting!
We made it. There was a little bit of sad, and a lot of eating. I told the boys if they abandoned me for other places, and left me in this house alone I would probably never forgive them. So they didn't. We all did our own things pretty much, but we were all together in the same place and that meant the world to me. Everyone went home around 7, then a friend called and we went to see a 10:00pm movie. Krampus. It was dumb but she was lonesome. I wish I'd known that because she could have come here! It was thoughtless of me to not think of that.
The husband of one of Terry's cousins died yesterday. She's my age, with kids the ages of mine. I wrote her, inviting her to call me when she's ready. They live in West Virginia. It brought up all that stuff, like churning a pond that was settled and seemed clear. It hurts all over again. Another friend discovered her husband has been cheating on her. More churning, more empathy and pain. All this reenforced my desire to start a women's commune somewhere, probably near a beach. We will go bra-less if we want to, and be sensible and logical and free from Taco Bell unless we want to.

Men. Bah. They either die or do something stupid, or do something stupid then die from it. The cousin's husband died from cancer, because he had the symptoms but being a Tough Guy, didn't go to the doctor. By the time he did, it had metastisized all over his body and was too late. 2 months later he died. At least they had some time to process the idea of it. Yes, I am jealous a little bit.

The friend's husband/affair business...he's impetuous, and needs to grow the hell up. They have 4 young kids, and she's informed him that he WILL provide for her to go finish a master's degree so she can support them on her own. She is also impetuous and I worry for the kids. She's kind of All About Herself right now and those kids are too young to be dealing with this. I can see all sides of it and there is no good answer.

And I am bleeding all over the place. My heart has been stabbed again, with the cousin's husband's death, it hearts for the friend, it hurts for myself. It hurts for the people in my life whose lives are in such turmoil. I really do understand now the concept of not being of this world. I don't want to be here. I don't want this pain and mess and ridiculousness. I want sunshine and peace and heavenly music and all those good things to come. I worry some about what the next dropping shoe will entail. What's Will going to do now?